Jake Arrieta Flaunts PED Use In Front Of "Idiot" Fans

Stop me if you’ve heard this before. A middling starting pitcher struggles through 4 subpar seasons before suddenly becoming a titan of the mound. What changed? As we know historically, a new delivery or change of scenery might be cited, but always at the center of the equation is “the juice”, or steroids for all the laymen. Usually, the pitcher in question will try to remain inconspicuous, as a conviction could result in a 50 game suspension, holding them off income until their new 9-figure contract kicks in, but Jake Arrieta is simply a different breed. Although he pulled off the slick move of playing for the Cubs, attempting to ensure no season would end in success, his Cubbies are winning at an extraordinary pace, drawing more and more attention to his injection-spurred heroics. Upon pitching his 2nd no-hitter in 11 starts last week, the spotlight of athletic justice has been firmly cast upon Arrieta and the beloved Cubbies.

When questioned as to his “workout regimen”, Arrieta responded exactly as if he had been constructing his answer for months, telling the truth to protect against future litigation while simultaneously flipping the bird to the truthers (author included) who can’t officially nail him on the cheating occurring directly under their nose. Arrieta’s scheme is clever, but he is hamstrung by his inability to lie. Any succesful steroid user knows the trick to sidestepping a sketchy court situation is simply to lie, then misremember your earlier ststements. Ask the average blue-collar American if they are taking steroids and they will flat-out tell you “no.” Arrieta, instead of doing this, points to the fact that he’s never failed a drug test, pointing to the infallibility of anti-doping procedures, the same tests that nailed notorious juicer Lance Armstrong. As for thoughts as to why his doping has yet to be exposed, Arrieta replied only “people are idiots”, presumably referring to those tasked with policing the purity of the sport. This snarky, clever response displays an acute sharpness of wit that could only be possessed by a USA-born college graduate. (Word up, Colin Cowherd)

Although he’s done his best to all but inundate himself through his media comments, Arrieta’s real downfall comes at the plate. It’s common knowledge that steroids help you hit better (see Major League Baseball, 1990’s), and it’s easy enough to see the needle protruding out of Arrieta’s bat. He is currently batting .273, besting his career average by over 100 points, and has actually hit as many home runs since July 12th as he has given up, proving once and for all my earlier point that steroids ultimately come back to boost the batter.

I’m pretty sure the Constitution says some thing about ill-gotten gains falling from the same apple tree as as the Cubs World Series odds plummeting every year, and it’s setting up that Mr. Pretentious Juicer himself will likely find himself at the center of the inevitable collapse this year. Maybe Arrieta’s guilt will catch up to him, maybe his next test will be “mishandled”, but either way a suspension, and the demise of the Cubbies playoff chances is sure to come.
But hey, that’s what you get when your franchise sold off the Babe back in 1919.