Bartolo Colon Skirts The Law And Thumbs His Nose At Rob Manfred

The thinking man's retelling of a thrilling weekend in baseball (oxymoron intended)

If you weren't watching the Mets game last Saturday night, first of all, congratulations. However, you would, in your conventional wisdom, have missed the biggest (not just in terms of girth) event to happen in a Mets game since Wilmer Flores used his cry-face to avoid the hassle of playing for an organization that would've held him accountable. Not that this burst of frenzied action is abnormal in early-season baseball- just the next day Bryce Harper, one of the bright young stars that helps the league appeal to its younger demographic (read: the average age of a baseball fan is 53 years old), put on a show by reaching base 7 times without recording an official plate appearance, by the virtue of 6 walks and 1 hit-by-pitch (to break the monotony I'm sure.) it wouldn't surprise me if the sheer tension surrounding Harper’s final at-bat, one away from tying the record, drove many television viewers to soil their Lay-Z-Boys for fear of missing one of the 4 balls upcoming, ironically remaining in the standard "crouched and ready" position even while the Cubs catcher stood up to relax and receive four balls. Just another example of our athletes not being viable role models. On a happier note, be on the lookout for furniture stock to rise in price over the next couple weeks.

Back to our original subject. This once in a blue-and-orange moon occurrence proves that,  in baseball, the most astonishing of events can happen at the most tranquil and unassuming of times, much like the out-of-nowhere debacle that was Ten Cent Beer Night. Bartolo, formerly monikered The Largest Intestine, now known as the Sultan of Fat, strode to the plate. Perhaps the rest of the story is best immortalized as a poem of sorts.

The outlook was fairly decent for the New York Mets that day

The score stood two to zilch, with but 8 innings left to play

With one on base, two more got out, the crowd forgot their name

Still no excitement came out of the tired patrons of the game

A straggling few got up to go to get some food. The rest

Clung to the ticket tucked inside the pocket of their breast

They thought if only Bartolo could skip turns at the plate

He’d save energy enough to pitch until he’s forty-eight

There were stains on ‘Tolo’s jersey as he stepped into his place

There was boredom on his countenance and fear upon his face

Although he didn't hear any cheers, he still did doff his hat

No stranger in the crowd took notice of Bartolo at the bat

About 15 eyes were on him as he rubbed his hands with dirt

7 faces sipped their beers as he wiped them on his shirt

Then while the pitcher grew tired and began to pout

The Padres in the infield all chattered “easy out’

Ball one flew by Bartolo, and the first strike close after it

But he was just there killing time, not wanting to get a hit

That would mean baserunning, and he wanted none of that

That is until he heard Terry Collins start to clap

The manager from the dugout uttered a sudden solemn plea

“Bartolo! The Commissioner’s here, he wants a cup of pee”

The smile vanished from his face, he turned to face the mound

He needed a distraction or his career was in the ground

And with one swing he did it, Rob Manfred was no more

No more talk of steroids would show up at his door

Around the bases was tiring, but the important work was done

There is joy in New York today-Bartolo hit a home run

At this point, it's more or less a foregone conclusion that Bartolo Colon is using steroids. From the changes in head size to the past conviction for banned substances, Colon screams steroid without having to misremember anything at all.

Colon does avoid the Barry Bonds type of scrutiny by maintaining the same hat size all these years, 

simply letting his head grow around it

In fact, around the baseball community, Bartolo is regarded as one of those “worst-kept secret” type of situations, like the famous frozen envelopes at the NBA draft lottery in 1985 or Bobby Riggs throwing the Battle of the Sexes because of gambling debts. And it looks like Bartolo, old and wise might he be, did not (much like the rest of the general public), read my last expose on Jake Arrieta, which among other things, pointed out that pitchers “on the juice” often out themselves by displaying abnormal proficiency at the plate. In this case, one of two things happened.

1. Bartolo has been able to hit with this power his whole career due to the steroids, and this blast is simply an accidental slip

2. Bartolo has recently switched to a new, more powerful steroid that lends him new power at the plate

From one look at Bartolo, I can tell he may have a small issue with willpower, specifically a lack of it. Thus, it seems as if possibility number 1 is the most likely. It seems weird that he would let his act slip this late into his career, but I have an interesting hypothesis. With a long history in the Major League War On Drugs (negotiating the first drug testing agreement with the MLBPA), new MLB Commissioner Rob Manfred had to have been cracking down on Bartolo. His ERA of 2.82 so far this year is the lowest it's been since 2002, and his FIP, which factors out the ineptitude of the Mets, has never been lower. 2nd wind? I think not. However, Old Bart is clearly a shrewd guy. This whole home run business effectively makes it impossible to indict him now. Imagine the fan outrage should he suddenly be suspended for PEDs. Dozens, if not hundreds would flock to the MLB offices and protest in the wildest display of fanaticism since Giants fans got a game forfeited due to a snowball fight. Either way, Bartolo is now a folk hero, untouchable in the commissioner's sights. Recent events do suggest that Manfred has found a new target to take his anger out on, as he just days later suspended Royals minor leaguer Raul Mondesi 50 games just for taking cold medicine. If Nyquil is a steroid I think it's high time we get Goodell off Brady’s behind and on to Drew Brees’.

Stay classy, Baseball.

Yes, this was satire.