Athletes Endorse Presidential Candidates in a Blatant Violation of the Bill of Rights

(Author’s Note: In no way am I imposing any sort of political viewpoint by discussing this issue. I’ll leave the brainwashing to the mainstream media)

As is impossible to avoid, election season is in full swing, and people everywhere are choosing sides and positions, which in itself is fine. Problems arise when people feel the need to tell the world of their allegiances, especially when these people are athletes. Its an unfortunate trend that we’ve seen where athletes of all sports are getting involved in politics, and the only thing it says to me is that these players are not devoting all the time they could to improving themselves and their teams. Sad that the age where players would take a second job during the offseason or hole up in a log cabin to lift weights is gone. (Actually, never mind on the log cabin. Good old J.J. Watt.)

I apologize for the political talk, but this is a territorial fight. We need our athletes focusing on the important things, like learning to cook or taking a second job. Leave the political nonsense to the retirees who have the time to formulate educated opinions, like Mike Ditka and Terrell Owens. No coincidence that these esteemed gentlemen are solidly on the Trump Train, as his rhetoric fits in nicely with the prevailing attitude that many football lifers display. “He’s a jerk, but he’s our jerk” is probably exactly how general managers justified signing TO to any sort of contract, so the Trump-backing from Owens makes perfect sense.

Now it's no secret I'm a big fan of the Constitution, the Bill of Rights, and Dr. James Naismith's Original Rules Of Basket-Ball - the documents our nation was founded upon. When these symbols of American ingenuity, independence, and the motion offense are put in jeopardy, I get protective. Sue me, I'm a Patriot, although it is important that I am not confused with the Disenfranchise that exists in the Northeast. I prefer salutes to sanctions and democracy to deflation.

Side Note: Naismith’s original rules were published in a college newspaper called “The Triangle”. Just more proof of the influence of the legendary Phil Jackson Coaching Tree.

To someone not as culturally plugged in as myself, the sinister connection between athletes - role models, idols, and icons - throwing their two cents into the ring of politics and the gradual, behind-the-scenes theft of basic American rights may not be as obvious. However, when you've spent as much time poring over the aforementioned founding documents as I have, history begins to visibly repeat itself. In fact, the grandaddy of them all - the American Revolution, not the Rose Bowl - began in large part because the established oppressive government forced exorbitant costs upon their citizens for the “good of the state”, as well as other injustices such as holding its political opponents hostage in order to get an agenda passed. Sounds a bit familiar, but I digress. Some of the main causes of the Great American Liberation were the Quartering Acts, which basically  forced upon the colonists the responsibility of housing and caring for British soldiers, a move by King Henry so bold it dredges up memories of Chip Kelly attempting to sign and trade for the entire 2014 Oregon Ducks senior class from his post as coach/GM of the Eagles. A bold and controversial move by the Chipper to say the least, but it does firmly set him as a cut above his peers such as Nick Saban or Les Miles - Kelly is the only coach to pay his players before, during, and after their time in college.

Either way, the colonists’ reaction to these Quartering Acts (namely ripping them up, wearing Washington Redskins jerseys, and dumping it into the harbor, or so I’m told) should tell us all we need to know regarding what our reaction should be to this invasion of self by our government - disregard, ignore, and cease, as soon as possible. In a more formal sense, the American response to the Red Atrocity (referring to the British oppression, not the Kansas City Chiefs offensive line) was to establish the famous Bill of Rights, which contains the oft-forgotten and underutilized 3rd Amendment. Many Americans do not know even what is detailed within the Third Amendment, let alone what protections and rights it guarantees them.

“No Soldier shall, in time of peace be quartered in any house, without the consent of the Owner, nor in time of war, but in a manner to be prescribed by law”

Although on the surface the amendment appears to be outdated and largely not applicable, the everyman simply needs to understand that essentially, this protection applies to virtually all aspects of government. Obama and former president Clinton could have avoided this loophole, had they not outed themselves with their highly toted Wars On Crime, Drugs, and America, in the former’s case. Championing a war effort makes you a soldier in my book, and by proxy, so is every government official and politician that makes up the Washington machine. (Yes, even you, Bernie Sanders.)

My extensive knowledge of litigation and fundamental law seems to transcend even the alleged “brightest minds” at Wikipedia, as the only credit they give the Third Amendment is the legal equivalent of a participation award.

The amendment is one of the least controversial of the Constitution and is rarely litigated, with the American Bar Association calling it the "runt piglet" of the U.S. Constitution  As of 2016, it has never been the primary basis of a Supreme Court decision (Wikipedia)

Looks like all that stuff your seventh grade teacher told you was true; you really can't trust Wikipedia. Anybody with any common sense at all (namely me, and hopefully you) can see that only oversight by We The People has led to the perception of this wondrous amendment as ineffective. The fact that no infamous scandal or event with a -gate suffix has been tied to this law can only mean there has been some sort of oversight involving it. Nothing escapes without a scandal, and that is an absolute. Even the Ideal Gas Law has been at the center of a major story. The only event or figure in sports who hasn't yet been marred with controversy is Tim Tebow, although many have tried. Either way, I think it's high time we get the Supreme Court involved, both to clear up this issue and to give the law its 15 minutes of fame. The Court has never hesitated to mix it up with the sports world, and although it could seem contradictory that I mandate a federal court to solve the issue of governmental involvement… well, it is. But it’s necessary. Besides, the Court literally has another court - a basketball one - inside the building, so they're clearly down with “us” way more than Obama is. Just look at this broken jumper.

Now obviously, I can’t propose a boycott of the NFL, no more than I could suggest that red-blooded Americans abandon the values that made this country great - grit, perseverance, and peanut butter sandwiches. No, the fact is that sports - especially football - are an integral part of society today. In terms of the American Revolution, football is to the everyman what cheap stamps were to the colonist. Want proof? The President of the United States, Barack Obama halted all operations to inform the nation of his college basketball bracket picks, ignoring much more important world events such as U.S. airstrikes occurring in Syria or the poisoning of citizens within his own country. Odd that he’ll release his bracket picks as soon as the tournament field is set, but it took 2 and a half years for him to show us his birth certificate. Obama’s strange fascination with a traditional amateur tournament has to go down as the biggest instance of government influence in amateur school activities since Orval Faubus and the Little Rock Nine.

As much as putting the blame on the current Commander-In-Chief may be easy, Barack may not be completely at fault here. As most know, a new man (or Clinton) will assume the office in November. These are the ones who will be to blame for infiltrating our traditional American pastimes with disjointed jargon and legislative nonsense that the everyman, without a corporation on his back, doesn't care about. This is why I recommend that, if he continues to spout off Washington's (and Bernie’s) ramblings, Roger Goodell charge Seahawks defensive end Michael Bennett with a suspension lasting the entire regular season, thereby encompassing the election period. The bottom line is we just don’t need our players doing Uncle Sam’s work. It would be a tragedy if we did not learn from and follow Babe Ruth’s example of steering clear of The Man. In Michael Bennett’s case, in no way is this singling him out for his particular political stance, it is simply the author's wish that we return our athletes to being just that- athletes, and in doing this, seek to Make Football Football Again. The nation depends on it.

(P.S. Typing “Goodell” autocorrects to “Goodwill”, which has to go down as one of the most misleading typos in history)


Yes, this was satire.